Madonna Is A Naughty Mama

Duh. This is what I’m talking about, people! Now get on those heels and vacuum.

Sofonda Weiner likes to speak in 3rd person.

Sofonda is wondering why her mailbox is empty.  No new messages.  Surely you’ve got to be curious about SOMETHING.  Anything.   So, ask Sofonda.  I hear she’s lovely!

Do you have a question for Sofonda Weiner? Mail it to asksofonda@gmail.com

Do Good Girls Know What Boys Like?

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

If this is the kind of thing you really believe, then you are probably a good girl. I think it’s safe to say many a man buys the cow even though he got the milk for free. You may have been a bad girl at one time, but you’re totally a goodie two shoes now if you subscribe to this belief! And that’s what your man has always wanted, right? A good girl? You sure about that? He’s always dreamed of coming home to a girl with ribbons in her hair, and he never EVER fantasizes about his ginormously endowed sexy coworeker who doesn’t give a rat’s behind whether she gives her milk up for free or for fiddy dollars. In fact, she’s more of a straight gin on the rocks type of gal than a milky cow. Not that all my goodie two shoes girlfriends are cows.

Er, come back good girls. We love you. We want to BE you. In public, many of us probably ARE you. But in the bedroom, you may need our slutty assistance. Let’s be symbiotic now!

Here are some friendly tips to ease into your inner bedroom slutness (beginners only), because you don’t want to scare your victim man by turning from Goldilocks to Dominatrix overnight.

• Instead of those fuzzy long pants jammies or frumpy tee-shirts you’ve been wearing to bed, try something a little more revealing, slutty if you will. Shorten the pants. Switch to a tank. Already there? Then make it boy shorts, or lacy boy shorts. You get it.
• Been huffing and puffing cleaning all day? Take a quickie rinse 20 minutes before your dear husband (DH) gets home. Nuzzle your smell-goodness into his neck as soon as he gets home, and tell him how much you missed him.
• For Pete’s sake, wear some high heels would you! Would it kill you to ditch the Crocs and the tennies for a few hours a day? Give him something to fantasize about at work next time little Miss Suzy Q tries to direct his eyes to her bosom.
• Give him a quickie. Not sex, you perverts! A massage. Someone once told me 95% of massages lead to sex. Is it true? Who knows. Who cares! Just make it happen, in your innocent little way.
• Use your words. Try saying something such as, “Sweetie, have you ever thought about being a little rougher with me in the bedroom or trying something different (have naieve, innocent sounding examples ready just in case he asks for some)? If so, feel free to try. You know I just want to make you happy.”

If any of the above make you barf, and you’re thinking we are turning back the feminism hands of time, remember this is just your way of getting to that ever so elusive female orgasm–the suckers!

Now get to work. And report back with all the lurid details.

xoxo, Ms. Hawt and Bothered

What is Your Secret Fetish?

Everyone has one. A fetish they would rather die than reveal. Remember that season on Desperate Housewives, back when we found out Bree’s now dead husband liked being dominated? And by dominated, I mean chained, bound, gagged, and whipped? (now, there’s a fantasy I would love to create…)

Your fetish can be something simple such as I like my toes being sucked, all the way to the really kinky, I like to torture guys like the naughty librarian from TomCats!

My biggest fetish? I love biting. It’s such a turn on for me to sink my teeth into flesh. Yes, I admit I am a freak. I also like being dominated. I love being held down, one hand holding my hands, the other at my neck. See? You know mine, now tell me yours…

“And we Interrupt this sex to bring you reality…”

I was almost there, on the brink of an orgasm literally milliseconds away and then dh stops, ahem, servicing me because he hears crying. CRAP, no, just a little bit longer. The crying doesn’t stop so we stop and I go to dc’s room. Fucking molars!!!

Needless to say I didn’t get laid last night and I’m sure dh has a raging case of blue balls. I had to take matters into my own hands (no pun intended) today. Such is life. I need a vacation!!

Fellatio Perfected

Are you ever at the receiving end of a meat stick thinking to yourself ‘Am I doing this right?’, ‘Is he really enjoying this?’, ‘Why is he not cumming?’. Or maybe you are just wondering if it’s ok to stick a finger up his butt. (Go ahead, he’ll like it) Either way we have your answers here.

First and foremost, it is not your fault that he can’t muster up his men to shoot out that delightful delicacy of man sauce – it’s his. Always has been, always will be – UNLESS you are using teeth. Please ladies, didn’t you learn anything from the older sluts in high school? Keep your lips tucked and pressed to his member. A lady never scrapes.

Next, persistence is key. Each time you stop to say my jaw hurts, or wipe the tears from your eyes if you’re a gagger, that’s another 5 minutes you just bought yourself. Most times when you stop to give yourself a break he will become frustrated and say ‘I was about to finish’. These times even when you feel you can’t go anymore, and want to bite off his dick, keep on keeping on. You can do it, you want the final outcome, you want his explosion and you want the satisfaction of keeping him coming back for more.

Timing is everything. Going along with taking inconvenient breaks, comes knowing when to bob your head faster than a gang banger dodging bullets in a drive by and knowing when to take it down a notch, molesting his member with your tongue as if being kissed by the wind. You have to take cues from him, pay attention to his body, his movements, his moans and groans. No one wants an overzealous weiner gobbler.

And finally, you have to make him believe you really, truly WANT to be giving him that blowjob. Don’t wait for him to ask you to do it, just grab him by the balls (gently of course) and begin the penis polka. He shouldn’t have to ask you to give him one, do you ask him to give you cunnilingus? And certainly don’t tell him that you don’t like giving blowjobs but you give them because you know he likes them. Way to make him feel like he’s receiving pity sex.

And now for the rest of you in the dark on actual technique, I am attaching some links for you to look at in the interest of perfecting your fellating ways. Because that my ladies is how you keep your man from getting it from the tranny on the street corner. Happy nob slobbing.

xo ~ bitchyvixen ~ xo

www.dontspitswallow.com

http://www.funadvice.com/q/how_to_give_the_perfect_blowjob

www.collegesexadvice.com/blowjob-mistakes.shtml

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/blow-job

Today’s Mission…Burn Some Calories!

Okay, ladies, today’s mission is to burn some calories and you can get creative. Swimsuit season is rapidly approaching and we want to look good no matter what we’re wearing! You know the naughty mama in you wants your dh to pant over your luscious curves. If you don’t have time to go to the gym don’t worry there are plenty of other ways to burn some calories while going about your daily business.

If you are a work out-of-the-home mom (WOHM), park a littler further away from the office and take the stairs. Get out of your chair and hit the water cooler to get the blood flowing. Do some leg lifts at your desk or push your hands down on your desk chair and release to strengthen your biceps. Oh and you can always do your kegels to strengthen those vaginal muscles! It all counts.

If you stay at home (SAH), clean that house! Walk the kids down to the park and chase them around. Not only will you get a great workout but you’ll have a good time doing it. Get out in the garden with your kiddos and pull weeds, plant some plants and dig for worms. Just get moving and have fun.

And last but not least you don’t have to go to the gym to burn calories in fact you can burn them in bed with your dh/bf/so. I’m certain he won’t turn your new exercise regimen down and will be happy to help! Just let him know he’s a pivotal part of your new “exercise routine” and that you need him to participate at least 3 times a week. It has also been documented that regular exercise can improve your sex life so get movin.

So get moving ladies! You’ll feel better and be a better naughty mama because of it! Tell us what you did today to creatively burn some calories and have some fun between the sheets, in the shower, on the couch, wherever (just not while breastfeeding your baby please)! Feel free to include the deets for the prudes who want to take notes!!

Ways to tease and turn on your man…

As I sit here this morning, drinking a cup of coffee to sustain me through the day after a late night, I realized, many women don’t realize how SIMPLE it is to turn a man on. (it’s the french vanilla coffee that clued me in this morning)

There are the usual ideas, lingerie, whispering fuck me in his ear, getting naked and jumping him…. But these serve as short term devices, and if used to much, can start to lose their appeal. What we naughty mamas need to do, is turn our men on all day. Keep him wanting us until it almost hurts.

I am going to kick out on myth real quick. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT cook the man a four course meal and then expect him to have the stamina to keep up with your naughty self. While food is the way to a mans heart, all that will do is make him marry you. Not screw your brains out (which is what we really care about)

Ok… Now that I got that out of the way, here are 5 EASY steps to keep him aching for you:

SMELL: Start wearing a certain perfume to bed. And only to bed. That way, he gets used to remembering that smell with orgasmic pleasure. After about 5-6 sex sessions, you can start using the perfume to turn him on. Wear it out on a date when you know you will give him some that night. Spray it on a letter that you tuck into his lunch/breifcase/whatever he takes to work…. He will think of you and sex with you when he smells it. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs. Yeah. That easy.

NOTES: Back to that note I mentioned slipping him at work. Already, the perfume is making him think. What you put in the letter is what makes him think even more… You want whatever you say worded on the sly. Don’t say Babe you fucked me good last night! Mad props hubby! Make it simple and sweet. Something like Thank you for last night. I am so relaxed and happy today. You are wonderful. Love, Jane.

USE YOUR EYES: Seriously women! This is our No#1 asset, and we don’t use it! Hair toss and ass shakes are good, but your eyes can speak volumes! Keep eye contact when talking to him or listening. If the two of you are doing separate things, once in a while, look over at him, catch his eye, and give him that sexy smile we all have and lift your eyebrow slightly and look away with that “cat ate the canary” sly grin.

KISS: The day to day basics of being a mom can kill you. Seriously. It’s a secret that no one tells us until it’s too late. We spend all day being a mom and at the end of the day, as you lay down to close your eyes, you realize my husband and I haven’t kissed in almost a week… Make it an effort, every morning, before you leave each other to kiss. Make it last 2 seconds. Seriously, just two seconds out of your day, and your man will remember it all day long.

SNEAK: This one is my favorite. My man says it drives him CRAZY waiting for me to fulfill the promise. When the kids are distracted, throw yourself at him. If only for a few seconds, use that time wisely to kiss him as if you were still in high school at drunk at the senior party! Pull him against you against the wall, hands in his hair, on leg holding him tight against you. Then stop. Kiss him lightly on the lips, wink, and whisper lightly in his ear I can’t wait…

Now, my everloving naughty mamas, get started turning on and teasing your man. You may be a mom, but you are a women first and foremost.

5 Things to Try on Your Man

1. Give him tiny, soft kisses from his head to his toe, carefully avoiding his nether regions. Then work your way back up, but pause every now and then to let him take advantage of you if he wants.
2. When you get in bed, let him hear you quietly pleasuring yourself until he asks what you’re doing. Then say, “Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?”
3. Rub your boobs on his face just for fun.
4. Give him a naked massage.
5. Rub his head while you kiss his neck and shoulders.

Easy, right? Nothing freaky, right? Consistency is key…you’re building up to the big bang here, people!

Ask Sofonda

Dear Sofonda,

My husband hasn’t had the desire to have sex with me in about 2 weeks. Can you help me think of some ways to lure him into the bedroom? What do you think is going on?

- In a drought

Dear Drought,

Prudie believes that we’re all a bit of a Naughty Mama at heart. Try slipping a dirty little note in his lunchbox or sending him a racy text message out of the blue. If that doesn’t work, slip into something sexy. Sneak up behind him while he’s at his desk and tell him what you want to do to him, using words that make you blush when you hear them out loud. If all else fails, just get him good and liquored up – and no, we’re not talking about beer. Hard alcohol is the only way to go.

Unless you’re a Mormon. In that case, you’re totally fucked. Or not…

Love,

Sofonda

P.S. No matter what you’ve heard, DO NOT BRING A PEACH INTO THE BEDROOM! It’s a yeast infection waiting to happen.

Do you have a question for Sofonda Cox? Mail it to asksofonda@gmail.com