Wow.

Miss Hawt and Bothered is as naughty as they come, but last night her husband delivered a shockingly candid assessment of…some things.

I admit it. I’m spoiled! He provides all the tools I need to be a good and fun mommy for our child, and he provides perks such as the occasional bouquet of orchids, a well-stocked shoe closet, and other feminine amenities. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be married to such a near perfect specimen of hunk.

Was Miss Hawt and Bothered being a little too naughty for a little too long? Methinks yes.

This morning, after crying myself to sleep last night, I awakened with a newfound respect for Mr. Hawt and Bothered. Am I still miffed? Hell yeah. But my man stood up for what he believed in, and I’m awfully proud of him for it.

Ass.

Still though, what is it about a man authoritatively standing his ground and sprinkling in “I Love You’s” that gets me thinking of naughty ways to punish him?

This is the perfect opportunity to choose to be either a mean, naggy wife, or a wife who punishes her mate with whipped cream and leather whips. I figure since he’s stuck with me for the next 80 years, I’ll go with the whipped and whip.

He will definitely see the best of me…next time we meet.

Sexy sexy, H&B

Ever heard of Anne Taintor products? They are pictures of women from the 50′s and other long gone decades that have witty little kick-ass sayings on them. In fact, several of you probably use Anne Taintor knockoff graphics as avatars in the cyberworld.

Well. Anne Taintor has found some of the actual models for the photographs, and to see them now and read their stories puts a little smile on your face.

Meet the Taintorettes!

We could probably all learn a few naughty lessons from the original naughty mamas.

xoxo H&B

Before stating the rules for each one, we need to explain what each one really is so people don’t get confused.

Making Love: Candles, harps, long drawn out foreplay. Have you seen Cruel Intentions? The scene where Ryan and Reece have sex for the first time? Yeah, that’s making love. Just imagine the song ColorBlind in the background.

Sex: Some foreplay. Mostly ORAL foreplay and fingers to get you heightened before you get to the main event. The main event can last from 5 minutes to 4 hours. Any less than 5, it doesn’t even count on the list, more than 4 hours? He needs to call his doctor. The Viagra isn’t working right. Or he did too much coke. Either way, a doctor is needed. Especially for your now worn out vagina. Let’s Get It On is playing in the background

Fucking: My favorite. No foreplay needed. Fucking is rough, straight to the action. Smacking, slapping, hair pulling, choking… Any of these can be used during fucking (they are NEEDS for me). In some fuck sessions, a man has been known to slap a girl in the face with his dick. Enjoy it bitch. Who gives a fuck what’s playing in the background.

Rules of Fucking, Making Love, or Sex:

Making Love: Snuggling and cuddling is a must after this. Naked bodies intertwined as you continue to touch each other and kiss. IF you don’t fall asleep afterwards, he should make you a nice hot bubble bath. And rub your back.

Sex: minor cuddling. Right after. Then roll away and get up to do something else.

Fucking: Get off me. Don’t touch me. Light my fucking cigarette. Don’t care if I don’t smoke. Light it anyways. Then leave.me.alone. Actually, just leave. I have shit to do.

I think J Lo needs to join BabyCenter if she wants to succeed as a naughty do it yourself mama.

Here are a few tips for her:

1. Never get out of bed before the baby. You need your beauty sleep, too.
2. Resist the urge to wear yoga pants every day.
3. Keep your commitment to being a diva. This includes bathing every day.
4. Join NMU on the new BabyCenter. Those bitches rock. Agree with everything the group owners say so they don’t kick you out of the group.
5. Keep humping your husband. No one likes a prude mommy.
6. Walk around the house naked.

I know you naughty mamas have more tips. It’s hard to be all inclusive when your full-time job is being a naughty mama, so help a sister out! Leave valuable tips for J Lo here on how to be a naughty mama. I’ll makes sure to pass them along, since we both have the Latina connection.

xoxo, H&B

Pleasure and pain can go hand in hand, but even you have to have a safe word.

This used to be a common occurrence. He’d do something to ever so slightly offend me, I’d talk shit to him, he’d back down to get me to shut the hell up, I’d talk more trash, he’d finally fight back, we’d have it out, and finally, we’d fuck each other’s brains out to make up. So very exciting.

Until we both ended up as emotional puddles of crap on the floor.

So we live and learn. Now I pick my battles much more wisely, as in, I only rip people new ones on the Internet because that’s what’s really important. I kid. No, I pick my battles with the man. There’s nothing more unattractive and sexy than a naggy wife or girlfriend. You can be as hot as Ms. Hawt and Bothered, and it still gets old after a while. Can I get a hell yeah?

This battle was over habits of the spending variety. As in, the man is constantly losing nail clippers and razors and such and turning around faster than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest to buy replacements. So you say, “Ah, it’s just $12.” Um hmmmm. Times 7 times in one month.

Now, even that ends up being less than $100…but. Aw fuck it, who knows. That was just my battle this week, okay?

So I verbally kicked his ass over the phone. Then we made up. Tonight we will talk about it and hopefully grow from it. Mission accomplished. Man in check. Does Hawt and Bothered need to check herself?

What do you naughty bitches think? How often and about what do you pick on your man? Do you wait for the proverbial camel’s back to break, or do you employ a constant nag, a la Chinese water torture?

Please feel free to spank us for our naughtiness.

If you’re a good girl: Giggle immediately after, blush, bat your lashes, and scamper away.

If you’re a bad girl: Look him straight in the eyes while maintaining your hand position and give him a smug little smile that reminds him who has the Power of Pussy (POP) in this house.

If you’re a very naught girl: Do all the bad girl stuff and add a tit flash. And some other stuff.

That’s all for now. Go practice in the mirror or something.