Hubba Hubba Put His Naughty Mama in Check
June 26, 2008
Wow.
Miss Hawt and Bothered is as naughty as they come, but last night her husband delivered a shockingly candid assessment of…some things.
I admit it. I’m spoiled! He provides all the tools I need to be a good and fun mommy for our child, and he provides perks such as the occasional bouquet of orchids, a well-stocked shoe closet, and other feminine amenities. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be married to such a near perfect specimen of hunk.
Was Miss Hawt and Bothered being a little too naughty for a little too long? Methinks yes.
This morning, after crying myself to sleep last night, I awakened with a newfound respect for Mr. Hawt and Bothered. Am I still miffed? Hell yeah. But my man stood up for what he believed in, and I’m awfully proud of him for it.
Ass.
Still though, what is it about a man authoritatively standing his ground and sprinkling in “I Love You’s” that gets me thinking of naughty ways to punish him?
This is the perfect opportunity to choose to be either a mean, naggy wife, or a wife who punishes her mate with whipped cream and leather whips. I figure since he’s stuck with me for the next 80 years, I’ll go with the whipped and whip.
He will definitely see the best of me…next time we meet.
Sexy sexy, H&B
Fucking, Making Love, or just sex?
June 5, 2008
Last night as I lay in bed after a wonderful fuck session, my SO leaned over and tried to cuddle with me. Instantly, I pushed him away while looking at him like he was crazy. Which hurt his feelings, but DAMN! After fucking, I don’t want to be touched! I want to bask in the feeling of being ridden hard and riding hard. There are rules damn it!
Before stating the rules for each one, we need to explain what each one really is so people don’t get confused.
Making Love: Candles, harps, long drawn out foreplay. Have you seen Cruel Intentions? The scene where Ryan and Reece have sex for the first time? Yeah, that’s making love. Just imagine the song ColorBlind in the background.
Sex: Some foreplay. Mostly ORAL foreplay and fingers to get you heightened before you get to the main event. The main event can last from 5 minutes to 4 hours. Any less than 5, it doesn’t even count on the list, more than 4 hours? He needs to call his doctor. The Viagra isn’t working right. Or he did too much coke. Either way, a doctor is needed. Especially for your now worn out vagina. Let’s Get It On is playing in the background
Fucking: My favorite. No foreplay needed. Fucking is rough, straight to the action. Smacking, slapping, hair pulling, choking… Any of these can be used during fucking (they are NEEDS for me). In some fuck sessions, a man has been known to slap a girl in the face with his dick. Enjoy it bitch. Who gives a fuck what’s playing in the background.
Rules of Fucking, Making Love, or Sex:
Making Love: Snuggling and cuddling is a must after this. Naked bodies intertwined as you continue to touch each other and kiss. IF you don’t fall asleep afterwards, he should make you a nice hot bubble bath. And rub your back.
Sex: minor cuddling. Right after. Then roll away and get up to do something else.
Fucking: Get off me. Don’t touch me. Light my fucking cigarette. Don’t care if I don’t smoke. Light it anyways. Then leave.me.alone. Actually, just leave. I have shit to do.
Tip O’ the Day
May 19, 2008
When giving your SO an handjob, make sure to switch hands frequently, before you start to feel tired. Otherwise, have fun explaining to your Dr. how you wound up with carpal tunnel when you don’t even sit at a computer.
Pleasure and pain can go hand in hand, but even you have to have a safe word.
Do Good Girls Know What Boys Like?
April 16, 2008
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
If this is the kind of thing you really believe, then you are probably a good girl. I think it’s safe to say many a man buys the cow even though he got the milk for free. You may have been a bad girl at one time, but you’re totally a goodie two shoes now if you subscribe to this belief! And that’s what your man has always wanted, right? A good girl? You sure about that? He’s always dreamed of coming home to a girl with ribbons in her hair, and he never EVER fantasizes about his ginormously endowed sexy coworeker who doesn’t give a rat’s behind whether she gives her milk up for free or for fiddy dollars. In fact, she’s more of a straight gin on the rocks type of gal than a milky cow. Not that all my goodie two shoes girlfriends are cows.
Er, come back good girls. We love you. We want to BE you. In public, many of us probably ARE you. But in the bedroom, you may need our slutty assistance. Let’s be symbiotic now!
Here are some friendly tips to ease into your inner bedroom slutness (beginners only), because you don’t want to scare your victim man by turning from Goldilocks to Dominatrix overnight.
- Instead of those fuzzy long pants jammies or frumpy tee-shirts you’ve been wearing to bed, try something a little more revealing, slutty if you will. Shorten the pants. Switch to a tank. Already there? Then make it boy shorts, or lacy boy shorts. You get it.
- Been huffing and puffing cleaning all day? Take a quickie rinse 20 minutes before your dear husband (DH) gets home. Nuzzle your smell-goodness into his neck as soon as he gets home, and tell him how much you missed him.
- For Pete’s sake, wear some high heels would you! Would it kill you to ditch the Crocs and the tennies for a few hours a day? Give him something to fantasize about at work next time little Miss Suzy Q tries to direct his eyes to her bosom.
- Give him a quickie. Not sex, you perverts! A massage. Someone once told me 95% of massages lead to sex. Is it true? Who knows. Who cares! Just make it happen, in your innocent little way.
- Use your words. Try saying something such as, “Sweetie, have you ever thought about being a little rougher with me in the bedroom or trying something different (have naieve, innocent sounding examples ready just in case he asks for some)? If so, feel free to try. You know I just want to make you happy.”
If any of the above make you barf, and you’re thinking we are turning back the feminism hands of time, remember this is just your way of getting to that ever so elusive female orgasm–the suckers!
Now get to work. And report back with all the lurid details.
xoxo, Ms. Hawt and Bothered
What is Your Secret Fetish?
April 15, 2008
Everyone has one. A fetish they would rather die than reveal. Remember that season on Desperate Housewives, back when we found out Bree’s now dead husband liked being dominated? And by dominated, I mean chained, bound, gagged, and whipped? (now, there’s a fantasy I would love to create…)
Your fetish can be something simple such as I like my toes being sucked, all the way to the really kinky, I like to torture guys like the naughty librarian from TomCats!
My biggest fetish? I love biting. It’s such a turn on for me to sink my teeth into flesh. Yes, I admit I am a freak. I also like being dominated. I love being held down, one hand holding my hands, the other at my neck. See? You know mine, now tell me yours…
“And we Interrupt this sex to bring you reality…”
April 14, 2008
I was almost there, on the brink of an orgasm literally milliseconds away and then dh stops, ahem, servicing me because he hears crying. CRAP, no, just a little bit longer. The crying doesn’t stop so we stop and I go to dc’s room. Fucking molars!!!
Needless to say I didn’t get laid last night and I’m sure dh has a raging case of blue balls. I had to take matters into my own hands (no pun intended) today. Such is life. I need a vacation!!
Fellatio Perfected
April 14, 2008
Are you ever at the receiving end of a meat stick thinking to yourself ‘Am I doing this right?’, ‘Is he really enjoying this?’, ‘Why is he not cumming?’. Or maybe you are just wondering if it’s ok to stick a finger up his butt. (Go ahead, he’ll like it) Either way we have your answers here.
First and foremost, it is not your fault that he can’t muster up his men to shoot out that delightful delicacy of man sauce – it’s his. Always has been, always will be – UNLESS you are using teeth. Please ladies, didn’t you learn anything from the older sluts in high school? Keep your lips tucked and pressed to his member. A lady never scrapes.
Next, persistence is key. Each time you stop to say my jaw hurts, or wipe the tears from your eyes if you’re a gagger, that’s another 5 minutes you just bought yourself. Most times when you stop to give yourself a break he will become frustrated and say ‘I was about to finish’. These times even when you feel you can’t go anymore, and want to bite off his dick, keep on keeping on. You can do it, you want the final outcome, you want his explosion and you want the satisfaction of keeping him coming back for more.
Timing is everything. Going along with taking inconvenient breaks, comes knowing when to bob your head faster than a gang banger dodging bullets in a drive by and knowing when to take it down a notch, molesting his member with your tongue as if being kissed by the wind. You have to take cues from him, pay attention to his body, his movements, his moans and groans. No one wants an overzealous weiner gobbler.
And finally, you have to make him believe you really, truly WANT to be giving him that blowjob. Don’t wait for him to ask you to do it, just grab him by the balls (gently of course) and begin the penis polka. He shouldn’t have to ask you to give him one, do you ask him to give you cunnilingus? And certainly don’t tell him that you don’t like giving blowjobs but you give them because you know he likes them. Way to make him feel like he’s receiving pity sex.
And now for the rest of you in the dark on actual technique, I am attaching some links for you to look at in the interest of perfecting your fellating ways. Because that my ladies is how you keep your man from getting it from the tranny on the street corner. Happy nob slobbing.
xo ~ bitchyvixen ~ xo
Today’s Mission…Burn Some Calories!
April 14, 2008
Okay, ladies, today’s mission is to burn some calories and you can get creative. Swimsuit season is rapidly approaching and we want to look good no matter what we’re wearing! You know the naughty mama in you wants your dh to pant over your luscious curves. If you don’t have time to go to the gym don’t worry there are plenty of other ways to burn some calories while going about your daily business.
If you are a work out-of-the-home mom (WOHM), park a littler further away from the office and take the stairs. Get out of your chair and hit the water cooler to get the blood flowing. Do some leg lifts at your desk or push your hands down on your desk chair and release to strengthen your biceps. Oh and you can always do your kegels to strengthen those vaginal muscles! It all counts.
If you stay at home (SAH), clean that house! Walk the kids down to the park and chase them around. Not only will you get a great workout but you’ll have a good time doing it. Get out in the garden with your kiddos and pull weeds, plant some plants and dig for worms. Just get moving and have fun.
And last but not least you don’t have to go to the gym to burn calories in fact you can burn them in bed with your dh/bf/so. I’m certain he won’t turn your new exercise regimen down and will be happy to help! Just let him know he’s a pivotal part of your new “exercise routine” and that you need him to participate at least 3 times a week. It has also been documented that regular exercise can improve your sex life so get movin.
So get moving ladies! You’ll feel better and be a better naughty mama because of it! Tell us what you did today to creatively burn some calories and have some fun between the sheets, in the shower, on the couch, wherever (just not while breastfeeding your baby please)! Feel free to include the deets for the prudes who want to take notes!!
Ways to tease and turn on your man…
April 14, 2008
As I sit here this morning, drinking a cup of coffee to sustain me through the day after a late night, I realized, many women don’t realize how SIMPLE it is to turn a man on. (it’s the french vanilla coffee that clued me in this morning)
There are the usual ideas, lingerie, whispering fuck me in his ear, getting naked and jumping him…. But these serve as short term devices, and if used to much, can start to lose their appeal. What we naughty mamas need to do, is turn our men on all day. Keep him wanting us until it almost hurts.
I am going to kick out on myth real quick. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT cook the man a four course meal and then expect him to have the stamina to keep up with your naughty self. While food is the way to a mans heart, all that will do is make him marry you. Not screw your brains out (which is what we really care about)
Ok… Now that I got that out of the way, here are 5 EASY steps to keep him aching for you:
- SMELL: Start wearing a certain perfume to bed. And only to bed. That way, he gets used to remembering that smell with orgasmic pleasure. After about 5-6 sex sessions, you can start using the perfume to turn him on. Wear it out on a date when you know you will give him some that night. Spray it on a letter that you tuck into his lunch/breifcase/whatever he takes to work…. He will think of you and sex with you when he smells it. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs. Yeah. That easy.
- NOTES: Back to that note I mentioned slipping him at work. Already, the perfume is making him think. What you put in the letter is what makes him think even more… You want whatever you say worded on the sly. Don’t say Babe you fucked me good last night! Mad props hubby! Make it simple and sweet. Something like Thank you for last night. I am so relaxed and happy today. You are wonderful. Love, Jane.
- USE YOUR EYES: Seriously women! This is our No#1 asset, and we don’t use it! Hair toss and ass shakes are good, but your eyes can speak volumes! Keep eye contact when talking to him or listening. If the two of you are doing separate things, once in a while, look over at him, catch his eye, and give him that sexy smile we all have and lift your eyebrow slightly and look away with that “cat ate the canary” sly grin.
- KISS: The day to day basics of being a mom can kill you. Seriously. It’s a secret that no one tells us until it’s too late. We spend all day being a mom and at the end of the day, as you lay down to close your eyes, you realize my husband and I haven’t kissed in almost a week… Make it an effort, every morning, before you leave each other to kiss. Make it last 2 seconds. Seriously, just two seconds out of your day, and your man will remember it all day long.
- SNEAK: This one is my favorite. My man says it drives him CRAZY waiting for me to fulfill the promise. When the kids are distracted, throw yourself at him. If only for a few seconds, use that time wisely to kiss him as if you were still in high school at drunk at the senior party! Pull him against you against the wall, hands in his hair, on leg holding him tight against you. Then stop. Kiss him lightly on the lips, wink, and whisper lightly in his ear I can’t wait…
Now, my everloving naughty mamas, get started turning on and teasing your man. You may be a mom, but you are a women first and foremost.
5 Things to Try on Your Man
April 13, 2008
- Give him tiny, soft kisses from his head to his toe, carefully avoiding his nether regions. Then work your way back up, but pause every now and then to let him take advantage of you if he wants.
- When you get in bed, let him hear you quietly pleasuring yourself until he asks what you’re doing. Then say, “Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?”
- Rub your boobs on his face just for fun.
- Give him a naked massage.
- Rub his head while you kiss his neck and shoulders.
Easy, right? Nothing freaky, right? Consistency is key…you’re building up to the big bang here, people!
